@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved
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@LeeMifsud: "I saw a flock of cows today" "Flock of cows?" "Yes a flock of cows" "Herd of cows?" "Of course I've heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!"
@cuckoo_cachu: Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I'm putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.
@Jake_Vig: No, no, no, you don't have to engage in a long explanation of why you're single. We've spent five minutes together, I think I've got it.
@pembdave: Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07