@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved
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@Mr_Kapowski: Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40" monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view
@Book_Krazy: [Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* "That's not true"
@mellimelle: In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
@badbanana: Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.