If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You Might Also Like
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When I play the kazoo, I play to win