If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Has there ever been a more American story?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns