@Traceykemp8: If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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@kwirkyKerri: Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.
@Try2StopME: Interviewer: "So why should we hire you?" Me: "Cause I need a job very badly." Interviewer: "So?" Me: "And you have a vacancy. BINGO"
@Sanbel11: My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping. I'm crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
@murrman5: *pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly* "did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*