If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I can also cook 😂
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you