If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?