So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that