If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.