If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Best seat on the street 😍
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..