@FilthyRichmond: If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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@BarryVonAwesome: If you own a karate dojo and you don't make your employees answer the phone "Hiiiiiiiiya" You're doing it wrong
@geekysteven: ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back" STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"
@ThRealBallsDeep: Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok? Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande's "Dangerous Woman"* I'm ok...allergies are bad.
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?