If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
They did not think through this water fountain
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’