If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Chemical wingman
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy