If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
new shirt idea
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists