If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Gods work.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.