@Spaced_Cowboy00: If you're not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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@QwertyJones3: The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
@FABrezebabe: *does coke* *has unprotected sex* *smokes cigarettes* "oh haha no I don't drink soda because it's bad for you"
@djr_102: I broke up with a girl once by leaving a note on the front door that simply said: "Love doesn't live here anymore, and now, neither do you."
@audipenny: friend: wish you were here! me, abruptly stopping whatever I'm doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really