If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
TRAIN’S HERE
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Human are so complicated
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art