If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Oh no
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”