When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?