If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Yeah. This was me today.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret