If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
This 4th of July, please remember…
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama