If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Meanwhile in Portland…
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night