*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
You Might Also Like
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.