“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.