If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Ron is short for Aaronald
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Are you ok, human???
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.