[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
this is the news I live for
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*