[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You Might Also Like
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Happens to everyone.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend