{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now