If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
You Might Also Like
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”