If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???