If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Smells like a challenge to me
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
love pickles so much i put myself in one
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby