If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”