@RatchetAfrican: If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
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@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe you should start working out again me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
@Where__wolf: A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool. He sees a sign "NO HORSEPLAY" He lowers his head "Ok" & sadly trots away
@garrydavenport: "Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to "remove pizza from box before consumption".
@Clint_Bing: Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back