I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
#CatsOnTwitter
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.