@roxiqt: If you're single on Valentine's Day, it's not because you're undesirable or unattractive. It's because you didn't take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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@NikiWithIssues: A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.
@radtoria: Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, "BRAKES!".
@therealeatwood: [In this tweet spoons fall in love harder than anyone] “My darling I am a spoon for you, you fill my world with frogs” [and frogs are joy]