life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.