You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
get you a girl who
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
what’s the point then??
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”