“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”