@pharmasean: If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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@Jmboyd58: When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
@nealbrennan: When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
@thegingercorn: 9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund.
@AlfKilledMyCat: Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I'm suffering from their laziness