If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me buying fruit and veg
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.