@Ennui_Raver: If you're such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.
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@WilliamRodgers: My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable! Until the dog humped the couch
@Mmelulu: Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.
@aka_fatman: Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
@JMNuch23: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler