First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The two types of wives
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it