If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Tastes like chicken.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?