If you’re testing me, we failed.
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
A little too much information.