If you’re testing me, we failed.
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[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
this has done me in for some reason
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.