If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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*praying for world peace*
God:
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Donkey Kong sommelier
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
6: are snakes just neck?