@Try2StopME: If you're the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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@tchrquotes: Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
@SatansTongue: 6th grade nurse: do you play baseball Me: uhh why Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than- Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much
@orange_rhymer: Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*
@noog: If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.