If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
But wait…
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.