If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
accurate
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Put a ring on it
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.