If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
Sponch
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.