If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before