If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
That eye roll….
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.