If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
The government even made aliens boring
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.