If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
When I laugh on my period
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.