“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*