I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
You Might Also Like
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
The 6 types of sex
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.