I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Rambo Rambow
My beach vacation Google searches
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!