If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.