Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
You Might Also Like
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants