baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Come back with a warrant
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?